THOMPSON FOR SHERIFF OF BIRKENHEAD
- Legalisation of mescaline, LSD, DMT, peyote, psilocybian mushrooms and marijuana on a recreational basis but fierce punishments for profiteering drug dealers
- Legalisation of prostitution, but fierce punishments for pimps
- Introduction of rehabilitation centres for heroin addicts
- Legalisation of graffiti on public property
- Parking lots and other concrete areas to be torn up and replaced with grassy areas
Those fucking stupid bastard chainlink railings outside of Stairways to be removed before any other poor fucker falls over them
- Fierce ON THE SPOT punishments for anyone assaulting, stealing from, harassing or otherwise BULLYING anyone weaker or in fewer number than them, to be doled out by the Sheriff or one of his handpicked Deputies. Sheriff and Deputies to carry any non-lethal weapons for these purposes, including but not limited to pepper spray and rounded-off Buford Pusser-esque 2x4s
- Birkenhead to now be officially called "Birkenvegas"
- Bam Buddha and the Latin Quarter to now carry the signs "Birkenvegas: European Capital of Culture"
- Introduction of "Twattin’ Centres" wherein disputes are settled in a boxing ring after participants petition the Sheriff’s Office. Resulting fights will be public events and under Marquess of Queensbury rules. Participants must shake hands after fights.
- More youth clubs
- Anyone caught wearing a hooded top, a polo shirt, hoops, trackie-bottoms, or any of these in combination with tacky jewellery, Burberry and/or trainers must also wear a top hat with a carnation in it, pink eyeliner and pince-nez
- Complete reform of public transport. The bus will be free for under 16s, students and pensioners. There will be at least one authority figure on each bus other than the driver to sort out any problems. This will be paid for by selling those expensive Merseytravel pieces of shit with high-tech LCD screens reading "BUS STOPPING" and fancy plastic poles, and reverting to cheap but functional ones. Taxis to grassy areas are free of charge
- Legalisation of smoking in public areas. Smoking in privately-run enclosed areas, such as workplaces, pubs, clubs etc. to be left up to the discretion of owner/s.
- Freedom of speech and expression, including the freedom to criticise on the grounds of race, class, gender, sexuality, religion and authority, to be held as an unalienable right. Calling the police "pigs" will not only be tolerated, but encouraged.
- Fierce punishments for perpetrators of domestic violence or sexually/racially-motivated attacks, including arse-kickings and losing all alcohol privileges.
- Enforcement of Lenin’s principle of He who does not work, neither shall he eat. The able-bodied and unemployed will be employed within the authority or down the docks in some capacity. No more slacker welfare culture
- Enforcement of Parry’s principle of Where there be grass, there be football permitted. Rain, snow, sleet or shine, bitches.
- Prosecution as stalkers of the fucking cunts who follow around tramps and Stephanie the tranny with their mobile phones and taking videos to be put on YouTube
- Skating and rollerblading to be legal everywhere
- Over 18s will be given an "alcohol licence" which they can then use to buy alcohol anonymously. Anyone found guilty of committing crimes under the influence of alcohol will have their licence revoked on a three-strike basis, to be replaced with a provisional licence allowing them to only drink alcohol in their own homes. None of this applies to alcohol fermented in the home: brewing your own booze FOR YOURSELF is an unalienable right
- Introduction of Bastard Tax, which will target anyone found guilty of any aforementioned crimes until they have stopped committing them. Repeated offenders will be subject to a Fucking Bastard Tax, which will work on the same principle but on a larger scale
- Legalisation of prostitution, but fierce punishments for pimps
- Introduction of rehabilitation centres for heroin addicts
- Legalisation of graffiti on public property
- Parking lots and other concrete areas to be torn up and replaced with grassy areas
Those fucking stupid bastard chainlink railings outside of Stairways to be removed before any other poor fucker falls over them
- Fierce ON THE SPOT punishments for anyone assaulting, stealing from, harassing or otherwise BULLYING anyone weaker or in fewer number than them, to be doled out by the Sheriff or one of his handpicked Deputies. Sheriff and Deputies to carry any non-lethal weapons for these purposes, including but not limited to pepper spray and rounded-off Buford Pusser-esque 2x4s
- Birkenhead to now be officially called "Birkenvegas"
- Bam Buddha and the Latin Quarter to now carry the signs "Birkenvegas: European Capital of Culture"
- Introduction of "Twattin’ Centres" wherein disputes are settled in a boxing ring after participants petition the Sheriff’s Office. Resulting fights will be public events and under Marquess of Queensbury rules. Participants must shake hands after fights.
- More youth clubs
- Anyone caught wearing a hooded top, a polo shirt, hoops, trackie-bottoms, or any of these in combination with tacky jewellery, Burberry and/or trainers must also wear a top hat with a carnation in it, pink eyeliner and pince-nez
- Complete reform of public transport. The bus will be free for under 16s, students and pensioners. There will be at least one authority figure on each bus other than the driver to sort out any problems. This will be paid for by selling those expensive Merseytravel pieces of shit with high-tech LCD screens reading "BUS STOPPING" and fancy plastic poles, and reverting to cheap but functional ones. Taxis to grassy areas are free of charge
- Legalisation of smoking in public areas. Smoking in privately-run enclosed areas, such as workplaces, pubs, clubs etc. to be left up to the discretion of owner/s.
- Freedom of speech and expression, including the freedom to criticise on the grounds of race, class, gender, sexuality, religion and authority, to be held as an unalienable right. Calling the police "pigs" will not only be tolerated, but encouraged.
- Fierce punishments for perpetrators of domestic violence or sexually/racially-motivated attacks, including arse-kickings and losing all alcohol privileges.
- Enforcement of Lenin’s principle of He who does not work, neither shall he eat. The able-bodied and unemployed will be employed within the authority or down the docks in some capacity. No more slacker welfare culture
- Enforcement of Parry’s principle of Where there be grass, there be football permitted. Rain, snow, sleet or shine, bitches.
- Prosecution as stalkers of the fucking cunts who follow around tramps and Stephanie the tranny with their mobile phones and taking videos to be put on YouTube
- Skating and rollerblading to be legal everywhere
- Over 18s will be given an "alcohol licence" which they can then use to buy alcohol anonymously. Anyone found guilty of committing crimes under the influence of alcohol will have their licence revoked on a three-strike basis, to be replaced with a provisional licence allowing them to only drink alcohol in their own homes. None of this applies to alcohol fermented in the home: brewing your own booze FOR YOURSELF is an unalienable right
- Introduction of Bastard Tax, which will target anyone found guilty of any aforementioned crimes until they have stopped committing them. Repeated offenders will be subject to a Fucking Bastard Tax, which will work on the same principle but on a larger scale
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